The Journey with Autism Begins

Through sharing our story and being honest and open, I hope it may help someone else going through similar. In light of that, I want to share more of M2's, and our, story. Starting with the day she was diagnosed as autistic and our journey officially began.

As I mentioned here, she was diagnosed with autism, mild-moderate, just over a month ago. That day was one of the most difficult of my life. We went in for baby B's well-child appointment the day before and took M2 along. While we were there, I told the doctor (they have the same pediatrician) that I'd talked to her early-intervention therapy team. All of them recommended that she get screened for autism, especially the therapist she's known the longest and who knows her the best. I was fully prepared to have to argue with the doctor about the screening, then to have to fight with insurance to get the referral pushed through. When the doctor agreed immediately, I was shocked. When he said that there was an available appointment the next morning if I was willing to drive the hour back out to do it, I was dumbfounded. Rather than waiting another month or more for an appointment, I jumped at the one for the next morning. I figured I should before I chickened out and put it off again, as I'd already done for months fearing what we'd be told.

The developmental pediatrician wanted to see all her assessments from the early-intervention team as that would give him a better picture of what all is going on with her. Those therapists see her weekly in our home so they get a pretty good picture, one a doctor who has never met her might not. I quickly called her coordinator to get her assessments, figuring at 4 p.m. there was no way we'd get them. Amazingly, her coordinator was there and sent them over via email immediately.

A and I decided that taking B along with us to the appointment would just be distracting from M2. Instead, he stayed home with B the next morning while I drove M2 the hour back to her developmental pediatrician appointment. I spend the most time with her and have been coordinating her care, so it just made the most sense for me to take her. At the appointment, the doctor got to see the full M2 as she was bouncing off the walls and doing many of the things we were concerned about. She did not sit still for 30 seconds the entire appointment.

I managed to answer all the doctor's questions while keeping M2 from running out of the place. We spent hours there going over everything. I wasn't sure if we'd get a diagnosis that day. I already knew from A's coworker going through the process with his son that if the doctor had any questions or doubts, there would need to be more appointments, possibly with additional specialists. The developmental pediatrician told me that he had seen enough, plus with her previous evaluations, that he was confident in making a diagnosis then.The moment he said, "diagnosis," I knew I wasn't going to like what he said next.

He said there was no question that she was autistic. As soon as I heard that, my stomach dropped and my heart broke. I started telling him things like, "But sometimes she's fine. This isn't all the time!" and, "But she does XYZ." Anything and everything I said, the doctor simply responded nicely with, "That just proves my diagnosis and that I'm right even more. That's exactly what autism is. There is no way you could be making all this up or have it wrong, it's too obvious."

I wanted to cry at that point. Mind you, I am not a crier at. all. Here my happy little girl is bouncing (literally) all over the room and off the walls, as a doctor tells me she is autistic. A diagnosis that changes her life and ours. Something that won't go away, can't be treated with a pill, and that she will struggle with her entire life.

I asked the doctor where he'd place her on the spectrum. He said that it wasn't too important, it was more important to get her set up with therapy and get her help, but that he'd place her as mild-moderate. As for B, he said he is at a higher risk but that I should already be seeing some signs. The signs B is showing us so far are ones that tipped us off to the fact that something is going on with M2. He's totally different from her so far. Things M2 did as a baby that we excused as being just her, something she'd grow out of (but didn't) or just her showing her independence were really red flags. There were so many that we didn't see until we saw how B is and until M2's behavior started making the autism too obvious to ignore. Still, especially after his head injury soon after birth, we worry that he will have special needs as well.

I spent the rest of the appointment trying not to cry in front of this doctor, and especially not in front of M2. How do you act after a doctor tells you that about your child? If I cried, I'd look hysterical and upset M2. If I acted like I didn't care, I'd seem like an inattentive, uncaring mother. If I acted happy, I'd seem like a nut job. No emotion seemed "right" and I had no idea what to say or do. I went with the "upbeat, we can handle this" attitude, even though I was wondering how in the world we'd make it through and how in the world M2 would over come it.

The doctor explained that we needed to get her set up with therapy and that he'd be sending an overview of his diagnosis. He went over why he'd made the diagnosis, pointing out things that I'd never even noticed or equated with autism. Or even any issue. I think if M2 had been the second child and I'd had more experience with what's "normal," I would have noticed more.

After the doctor ended the appointment, a nurse came in and offered to wheel M2 around the center in a wheelchair while I waited for her pediatrician to come in and talk to me. I so appreciated having a few minutes alone. Hearing that your child has autism is difficult. Very, very difficult. I know that it could be so much worse. But that doesn't take away the hurt of what she and we are going through and will go through. No parent wants to know their child is going to struggle. Right now, we don't even know how much. We don't know when or if she'll really start talking. Speech therapy isn't working. Her delay stems from the autism and so far no techniques are working. She also has sensory, behavior and other issues. We have no idea what is to come.

M2's pediatrician came in and told me that he agreed with the diagnosis. The nurse came back with M2, who was ecstatic that she got to go for a ride. She had absolutely no idea what had been going on or how much had just changed in the instant I'd been told she is autistic. Seeing her so happy and so unaware ripped my heart out even more. She has no idea what is to come in her life or that anything is even wrong. I guess in some ways, that's really a blessing that she doesn't know.

The ride home I called A and spent trying not to cry while driving. I'm happy to have a diagnosis and to know it's not all in my head. On the other hand, I'd really have liked to be told, "Lady, your nuts. Stop doing XYZ and your child will be perfectly fine. Just get your act together." Despite that, and despite the doctor telling me that there's no way I could be making stuff up (and that I did an amazing job handling her during the appointment, he was impressed how well I managed to do so), I still wonder if maybe I'd said or done something differently, he wouldn't have given that diagnosis. It's hard not to second guess everything and to wonder.

Since the diagnosis, I've gotten lots of comments and advice. Some downright upsetting, nasty and unsupportive from people from whom I actually expected the most support. Some way off base as the person simply doesn't understand autism or is a family member who also doesn't want her to struggle. Others very, very helpful. Our family and closest friends are offering the support they can. As you read here, one of M2's godmothers is on the spectrum herself. Her reply when being told of the diagnosis was, "Well, I guess she's really lucky to have me as god mom!" And she is. I know Lindsey is going to help her so much through her journey. None of her family or friends are treating her any differently. Family who initially questioned the diagnosis are on board and supporting her once I explained what was going on better. Her uncle asked me why we'd never told him what was going on sooner, when she was a baby, so he would have known and been able to maybe do something. I told him it was because we honestly didn't even realize it ourselves. I think deep down we wondered, but didn't want it to be true.

We still don't want it to be true. I still hope we'll find out in the future that the doctor was wrong. Daily, though, I see why he's right. I also remind myself often of the best, most supportive, and helpful thing I've been told since she was diagnosed as autistic. As soon as we found out, I told her therapists who'd been waiting to hear. One told me, "Remember, she's still the same awesome little girl who you love so much. Having the diagnosis doesn't change her at all. And it doesn't change how much you love her." And she's right. My little girl is freaking amazing.

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The Journey with Autism Begins

Through sharing our story and being honest and open, I hope it may help someone else going through similar. In light of that, I want to share more of M2's, and our, story. Starting with the day she was diagnosed as autistic and our journey officially began.

As I mentioned here, she was diagnosed with autism, mild-moderate, just over a month ago. That day was one of the most difficult of my life. We went in for baby B's well-child appointment the day before and took M2 along. While we were there, I told the doctor (they have the same pediatrician) that I'd talked to her early-intervention therapy team. All of them recommended that she get screened for autism, especially the therapist she's known the longest and who knows her the best. I was fully prepared to have to argue with the doctor about the screening, then to have to fight with insurance to get the referral pushed through. When the doctor agreed immediately, I was shocked. When he said that there was an available appointment the next morning if I was willing to drive the hour back out to do it, I was dumbfounded. Rather than waiting another month or more for an appointment, I jumped at the one for the next morning. I figured I should before I chickened out and put it off again, as I'd already done for months fearing what we'd be told.

The developmental pediatrician wanted to see all her assessments from the early-intervention team as that would give him a better picture of what all is going on with her. Those therapists see her weekly in our home so they get a pretty good picture, one a doctor who has never met her might not. I quickly called her coordinator to get her assessments, figuring at 4 p.m. there was no way we'd get them. Amazingly, her coordinator was there and sent them over via email immediately.

A and I decided that taking B along with us to the appointment would just be distracting from M2. Instead, he stayed home with B the next morning while I drove M2 the hour back to her developmental pediatrician appointment. I spend the most time with her and have been coordinating her care, so it just made the most sense for me to take her. At the appointment, the doctor got to see the full M2 as she was bouncing off the walls and doing many of the things we were concerned about. She did not sit still for 30 seconds the entire appointment.

I managed to answer all the doctor's questions while keeping M2 from running out of the place. We spent hours there going over everything. I wasn't sure if we'd get a diagnosis that day. I already knew from A's coworker going through the process with his son that if the doctor had any questions or doubts, there would need to be more appointments, possibly with additional specialists. The developmental pediatrician told me that he had seen enough, plus with her previous evaluations, that he was confident in making a diagnosis then.The moment he said, "diagnosis," I knew I wasn't going to like what he said next.

He said there was no question that she was autistic. As soon as I heard that, my stomach dropped and my heart broke. I started telling him things like, "But sometimes she's fine. This isn't all the time!" and, "But she does XYZ." Anything and everything I said, the doctor simply responded nicely with, "That just proves my diagnosis and that I'm right even more. That's exactly what autism is. There is no way you could be making all this up or have it wrong, it's too obvious."

I wanted to cry at that point. Mind you, I am not a crier at. all. Here my happy little girl is bouncing (literally) all over the room and off the walls, as a doctor tells me she is autistic. A diagnosis that changes her life and ours. Something that won't go away, can't be treated with a pill, and that she will struggle with her entire life.

I asked the doctor where he'd place her on the spectrum. He said that it wasn't too important, it was more important to get her set up with therapy and get her help, but that he'd place her as mild-moderate. As for B, he said he is at a higher risk but that I should already be seeing some signs. The signs B is showing us so far are ones that tipped us off to the fact that something is going on with M2. He's totally different from her so far. Things M2 did as a baby that we excused as being just her, something she'd grow out of (but didn't) or just her showing her independence were really red flags. There were so many that we didn't see until we saw how B is and until M2's behavior started making the autism too obvious to ignore. Still, especially after his head injury soon after birth, we worry that he will have special needs as well.

I spent the rest of the appointment trying not to cry in front of this doctor, and especially not in front of M2. How do you act after a doctor tells you that about your child? If I cried, I'd look hysterical and upset M2. If I acted like I didn't care, I'd seem like an inattentive, uncaring mother. If I acted happy, I'd seem like a nut job. No emotion seemed "right" and I had no idea what to say or do. I went with the "upbeat, we can handle this" attitude, even though I was wondering how in the world we'd make it through and how in the world M2 would over come it.

The doctor explained that we needed to get her set up with therapy and that he'd be sending an overview of his diagnosis. He went over why he'd made the diagnosis, pointing out things that I'd never even noticed or equated with autism. Or even any issue. I think if M2 had been the second child and I'd had more experience with what's "normal," I would have noticed more.

After the doctor ended the appointment, a nurse came in and offered to wheel M2 around the center in a wheelchair while I waited for her pediatrician to come in and talk to me. I so appreciated having a few minutes alone. Hearing that your child has autism is difficult. Very, very difficult. I know that it could be so much worse. But that doesn't take away the hurt of what she and we are going through and will go through. No parent wants to know their child is going to struggle. Right now, we don't even know how much. We don't know when or if she'll really start talking. Speech therapy isn't working. Her delay stems from the autism and so far no techniques are working. She also has sensory, behavior and other issues. We have no idea what is to come.

M2's pediatrician came in and told me that he agreed with the diagnosis. The nurse came back with M2, who was ecstatic that she got to go for a ride. She had absolutely no idea what had been going on or how much had just changed in the instant I'd been told she is autistic. Seeing her so happy and so unaware ripped my heart out even more. She has no idea what is to come in her life or that anything is even wrong. I guess in some ways, that's really a blessing that she doesn't know.

The ride home I called A and spent trying not to cry while driving. I'm happy to have a diagnosis and to know it's not all in my head. On the other hand, I'd really have liked to be told, "Lady, your nuts. Stop doing XYZ and your child will be perfectly fine. Just get your act together." Despite that, and despite the doctor telling me that there's no way I could be making stuff up (and that I did an amazing job handling her during the appointment, he was impressed how well I managed to do so), I still wonder if maybe I'd said or done something differently, he wouldn't have given that diagnosis. It's hard not to second guess everything and to wonder.

Since the diagnosis, I've gotten lots of comments and advice. Some downright upsetting, nasty and unsupportive from people from whom I actually expected the most support. Some way off base as the person simply doesn't understand autism or is a family member who also doesn't want her to struggle. Others very, very helpful. Our family and closest friends are offering the support they can. As you read here, one of M2's godmothers is on the spectrum herself. Her reply when being told of the diagnosis was, "Well, I guess she's really lucky to have me as god mom!" And she is. I know Lindsey is going to help her so much through her journey. None of her family or friends are treating her any differently. Family who initially questioned the diagnosis are on board and supporting her once I explained what was going on better. Her uncle asked me why we'd never told him what was going on sooner, when she was a baby, so he would have known and been able to maybe do something. I told him it was because we honestly didn't even realize it ourselves. I think deep down we wondered, but didn't want it to be true.

We still don't want it to be true. I still hope we'll find out in the future that the doctor was wrong. Daily, though, I see why he's right. I also remind myself often of the best, most supportive, and helpful thing I've been told since she was diagnosed as autistic. As soon as we found out, I told her therapists who'd been waiting to hear. One told me, "Remember, she's still the same awesome little girl who you love so much. Having the diagnosis doesn't change her at all. And it doesn't change how much you love her." And she's right. My little girl is freaking amazing.

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Wherein Life Throws Many Punches

The past few weeks life has changed around here. A lot. It's been one big change after another for our family. A new diagnosis for M2, a job change for A, opportunities that fell through for me and a new fence (about the only fun one on this list).

To start with, M2 got the diagnosis of mild-moderate autism. We'd been told by her current therapists that we should have her tested. At baby B's checkup, we mentioned to the doctor, who is also M2's doc, that we wanted to get her checked out per the therapists' recommendation. I was amazed when he said there was an appointment the next morning. We'd thought there would be a 6+ month wait.

I took her in for the evaluation since I'm with her most. Having A and B go along would have been more distracting as we'd have to chase B around, too. The developmental pediatrician spent over two hours evaluating her. He picked up things I'd never even realized were related to autism. Anything I said to try to convince him that maybe it's not autism just proved his point more. By the end of the appointment, he was confident in his diagnosis. While it's nice to know exactly what's going on, and that I'm not making it all up in my head, it's also difficult to be told your child is autistic. It's not something she'll just grow out of, we don't know what caused it and it's not something we can just fix. Right now, we're still looking into options for therapy and other avenues to pursue to get her help. The hope is that since she's mild-moderate, over time she'll learn to adapt and it'll seem more like quirks than big issues. Right now, the big tip off that something's going on is her speech. She just has not improved and the usual therapies haven't helped. We know now that it's because it's related to her autism, not one of the usual causes for delays. You can read more about the diagnosis and what that day was like here.

Just after this happened, we found out that A's job is giving him a large pay cut. When things are already pretty tight that's a huge blow to receive. We're still figuring out how to deal with it and what we're going to do. One route was me finding a work-from-home job that's more stable and pays more than my current blogging and freelance. I had a job pop up that I spent all of last week prepping my resume, writing samples and practicing interview techniques for. The company was moving fast so I thought it was a great sign. There were a few "huh?" moments when my contact there said things that made me wonder if she'd even read my resume, but I pushed it off. 

At the interview, I found out I was right. They'd had no intention of hiring me, they were most likely trying to reach a quota so they could hire someone they'd already selected. The interviewer was nothing short of hostile from the start. Seriously, who asks you, "What would the person who hates you MOST in the world say about you?" Umm, that I suck? Nothing good, that's for sure. After all, they hate me. The interviewer was not impressed when I tried to turn it around to be something positive. I've never had an interview like it before. I was seriously in shock the whole time with what was going on.

Ten minutes after the interview had been scheduled to end, after the office had closed, I got a form email telling me they weren't hiring me. My guess is that it was already scheduled to go out after the interview ended. It was another blow, especially since I'd worked so hard and thought I had a good shot. Now, we're back to figuring out where to go from here. There are no real answers and much of it is being based on chance and luck. That's not something I deal well with, I like to be able to work toward a goal and have backup plan. And a back up plan for the backup plan. I work hard to not end up floundering. This time, there isn't much of a choice and any route isn't going to be fun or easy. Right now, I'm going to be upping my freelance work as much as possible. (If you know of someone who needs a writer, editor or proofreader, send them my way!)

On the weight-loss front, I've been back sliding. As you can imagine, there's been a ton of stress, uncertainty and changes. Logically, I know that things could be much worse. Emotionally, it's not a great time for me. I'm an emotional eater and have been eating more than I should while all this has been going on. Not really junk food, but still more than I should and not as healthy as I should. Last week rather than losing, I gained a pound. I'm working on getting back into the portion control and healthy choices. Exercise is happening more often at least. I'm determined to get back on track and keep losing.

The one upside lately has been that our new fence for M2 has finally gone in. Since she's a runner, we haven't been able to let her play outside much. It's simply not safe without the fence. Now, she can run all over the yard and play while I'm outside with her. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her and baby B outside enjoying the warm weather.

On the blog side of life, I have some great posts planned for the coming months. There is going to be the rest of my The "Fat Kid" Tells All series to start with. I'll also be sharing more of our journey with M2 as it progresses.

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Wherein Life Throws Many Punches

The past few weeks life has changed around here. A lot. It's been one big change after another for our family. A new diagnosis for M2, a job change for A, opportunities that fell through for me and a new fence (about the only fun one on this list).

To start with, M2 got the diagnosis of mild-moderate autism. We'd been told by her current therapists that we should have her tested. At baby B's checkup, we mentioned to the doctor, who is also M2's doc, that we wanted to get her checked out per the therapists' recommendation. I was amazed when he said there was an appointment the next morning. We'd thought there would be a 6+ month wait.

I took her in for the evaluation since I'm with her most. Having A and B go along would have been more distracting as we'd have to chase B around, too. The developmental pediatrician spent over two hours evaluating her. He picked up things I'd never even realized were related to autism. Anything I said to try to convince him that maybe it's not autism just proved his point more. By the end of the appointment, he was confident in his diagnosis. While it's nice to know exactly what's going on, and that I'm not making it all up in my head, it's also difficult to be told your child is autistic. It's not something she'll just grow out of, we don't know what caused it and it's not something we can just fix. Right now, we're still looking into options for therapy and other avenues to pursue to get her help. The hope is that since she's mild-moderate, over time she'll learn to adapt and it'll seem more like quirks than big issues. Right now, the big tip off that something's going on is her speech. She just has not improved and the usual therapies haven't helped. We know now that it's because it's related to her autism, not one of the usual causes for delays. You can read more about the diagnosis and what that day was like here.

Just after this happened, we found out that A's job is giving him a large pay cut. When things are already pretty tight that's a huge blow to receive. We're still figuring out how to deal with it and what we're going to do. One route was me finding a work-from-home job that's more stable and pays more than my current blogging and freelance. I had a job pop up that I spent all of last week prepping my resume, writing samples and practicing interview techniques for. The company was moving fast so I thought it was a great sign. There were a few "huh?" moments when my contact there said things that made me wonder if she'd even read my resume, but I pushed it off. 

At the interview, I found out I was right. They'd had no intention of hiring me, they were most likely trying to reach a quota so they could hire someone they'd already selected. The interviewer was nothing short of hostile from the start. Seriously, who asks you, "What would the person who hates you MOST in the world say about you?" Umm, that I suck? Nothing good, that's for sure. After all, they hate me. The interviewer was not impressed when I tried to turn it around to be something positive. I've never had an interview like it before. I was seriously in shock the whole time with what was going on.

Ten minutes after the interview had been scheduled to end, after the office had closed, I got a form email telling me they weren't hiring me. My guess is that it was already scheduled to go out after the interview ended. It was another blow, especially since I'd worked so hard and thought I had a good shot. Now, we're back to figuring out where to go from here. There are no real answers and much of it is being based on chance and luck. That's not something I deal well with, I like to be able to work toward a goal and have backup plan. And a back up plan for the backup plan. I work hard to not end up floundering. This time, there isn't much of a choice and any route isn't going to be fun or easy. Right now, I'm going to be upping my freelance work as much as possible. (If you know of someone who needs a writer, editor or proofreader, send them my way!)

On the weight-loss front, I've been back sliding. As you can imagine, there's been a ton of stress, uncertainty and changes. Logically, I know that things could be much worse. Emotionally, it's not a great time for me. I'm an emotional eater and have been eating more than I should while all this has been going on. Not really junk food, but still more than I should and not as healthy as I should. Last week rather than losing, I gained a pound. I'm working on getting back into the portion control and healthy choices. Exercise is happening more often at least. I'm determined to get back on track and keep losing.

The one upside lately has been that our new fence for M2 has finally gone in. Since she's a runner, we haven't been able to let her play outside much. It's simply not safe without the fence. Now, she can run all over the yard and play while I'm outside with her. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her and baby B outside enjoying the warm weather.

On the blog side of life, I have some great posts planned for the coming months. There is going to be the rest of my The "Fat Kid" Tells All series to start with. I'll also be sharing more of our journey with M2 as it progresses.

Affiliate Links

How to Keep Your Marriage on Point

In over four years of marriage with A, I've learned much (and am still learning). I've recently come to the conclusion that marriage is like a triangle.

No, not a love triangle. A support triangle. Seriously, follow me here a moment. You are in one bottom corner. Your partner is in the other. You each have your own corner, yet are connected and supporting each other to form a solid foundation. Your marriage is at the top with both of you supporting it. If you don't make sure you're solid in your corner, supporting your spouse and doing your part for your marriage, and he/she isn't doing the same, the top of the triangle -- your marriage -- crashes down.

The triangle is a very basic, watered down way to show how support works in marriage. Much more can't be put into a simple graphic. For starters, the triangle can't show you that sometimes, you need to put in more effort to support your spouse. And sometimes, they need to put more effort into supporting you. Each of us go through our own difficult times. For me, having B was a difficult adjustment. Healing also took time. During that, A had to be more supportive of me. When his mother died just over a year ago, the roles were reversed. He needed more support at that time. Christmas is a hard season for both of us, so both of us need extra support then.

When life is on an even keel, the support is more about balancing the give and take relationships need. Daily communication, saying good bye in the morning before work, asking about each other's days, taking turns to help out with the kids--it all counts and matters. I try to support A by having good, relatively healthy meals planned and prepared with extras for his lunch. He supports me by giving me a break at least one night a week and doing the cooking. I take care of the kids, keep the house running, paying bills, doing errands--the usual stay-at-home mom stuff, while he supports us by going to a job outside the home. On his days off, he lets me sleep in when possible since that is something that really helps me for so many reasons. He takes out the trash, I dust. All those simple little things may not seem like they matter, but they do. Each and every one supports each other and by default our marriage.

Just as important as supporting your spouse, you need to support yourself. Keep yourself solid and strong in your corner of the triangle so you can provide the stability your part requires. That means taking breaks at times for some "me" time. Have your own work, hobbies, and interests that are just yours, yet add to your marriage because you have something new to bring to the table. I have this blog and being a stay-at-home mom as my work, while A has his own job. I love reading chick lit books, while A loves sci-fi and fantasy novels. I'm a history geek, he loves math. Supporting yourself also means growing. Be open to feedback from your spouse so you can improve yourself. Don't just stay set in your ways, try something new. I tend to voice my frustrations of the day as soon as A gets home. It drives A nuts. I've realized that and try to be better about it. A tends to put things off, which drives me nuts. I know he tries to improve on that. There are many little examples like these. When you live with someone, for the rest of your lives to boot, things crop up that drive the other nuts. Taking your spouse's feedback into account and working to better yourself goes a long way to support your marriage. Change doesn't happen overnight, keep with it. You'll start seeing results.

Bumps in marriage do happen. Life is difficult and throws curve balls. That's when the triangle of support is even more important. You need to work extra hard to keep the solid foundation and to keep your marriage from slipping. Of course, there times occur when it does slip. For us, moving was very stressful. We needed to find a house in a short amount of time and couldn't even look together due to crazy schedules. M2 was tiny, making things even rougher. A few times, we argued about--you guessed it--one of use not offering enough support to the other. We talked it out and both walked away with ways we could improve ourselves, thus better supporting the other. The key is to continue being there for your spouse, no matter how hard things are, and for them to do the same. As long as you have that, you can face any obstacles -- together, forming a strong foundation for your marriage.

I wrote this article as part of a 31 Day Marriage Challenge collaboration, co-hosted by Melissa Ann of The Eyes of a Boy and Carrie of Huppie Mama. Follow along with the challenge for many more inspiring articles on how to create or enhance an awesome marriage.

How to Keep Your Marriage on Point

In over four years of marriage with A, I've learned much (and am still learning). I've recently come to the conclusion that marriage is like a triangle.

No, not a love triangle. A support triangle. Seriously, follow me here a moment. You are in one bottom corner. Your partner is in the other. You each have your own corner, yet are connected and supporting each other to form a solid foundation. Your marriage is at the top with both of you supporting it. If you don't make sure you're solid in your corner, supporting your spouse and doing your part for your marriage, and he/she isn't doing the same, the top of the triangle -- your marriage -- crashes down.

The triangle is a very basic, watered down way to show how support works in marriage. Much more can't be put into a simple graphic. For starters, the triangle can't show you that sometimes, you need to put in more effort to support your spouse. And sometimes, they need to put more effort into supporting you. Each of us go through our own difficult times. For me, having B was a difficult adjustment. Healing also took time. During that, A had to be more supportive of me. When his mother died just over a year ago, the roles were reversed. He needed more support at that time. Christmas is a hard season for both of us, so both of us need extra support then.

When life is on an even keel, the support is more about balancing the give and take relationships need. Daily communication, saying good bye in the morning before work, asking about each other's days, taking turns to help out with the kids--it all counts and matters. I try to support A by having good, relatively healthy meals planned and prepared with extras for his lunch. He supports me by giving me a break at least one night a week and doing the cooking. I take care of the kids, keep the house running, paying bills, doing errands--the usual stay-at-home mom stuff, while he supports us by going to a job outside the home. On his days off, he lets me sleep in when possible since that is something that really helps me for so many reasons. He takes out the trash, I dust. All those simple little things may not seem like they matter, but they do. Each and every one supports each other and by default our marriage.

Just as important as supporting your spouse, you need to support yourself. Keep yourself solid and strong in your corner of the triangle so you can provide the stability your part requires. That means taking breaks at times for some "me" time. Have your own work, hobbies, and interests that are just yours, yet add to your marriage because you have something new to bring to the table. I have this blog and being a stay-at-home mom as my work, while A has his own job. I love reading chick lit books, while A loves sci-fi and fantasy novels. I'm a history geek, he loves math. Supporting yourself also means growing. Be open to feedback from your spouse so you can improve yourself. Don't just stay set in your ways, try something new. I tend to voice my frustrations of the day as soon as A gets home. It drives A nuts. I've realized that and try to be better about it. A tends to put things off, which drives me nuts. I know he tries to improve on that. There are many little examples like these. When you live with someone, for the rest of your lives to boot, things crop up that drive the other nuts. Taking your spouse's feedback into account and working to better yourself goes a long way to support your marriage. Change doesn't happen overnight, keep with it. You'll start seeing results.

Bumps in marriage do happen. Life is difficult and throws curve balls. That's when the triangle of support is even more important. You need to work extra hard to keep the solid foundation and to keep your marriage from slipping. Of course, there times occur when it does slip. For us, moving was very stressful. We needed to find a house in a short amount of time and couldn't even look together due to crazy schedules. M2 was tiny, making things even rougher. A few times, we argued about--you guessed it--one of use not offering enough support to the other. We talked it out and both walked away with ways we could improve ourselves, thus better supporting the other. The key is to continue being there for your spouse, no matter how hard things are, and for them to do the same. As long as you have that, you can face any obstacles -- together, forming a strong foundation for your marriage.

I wrote this article as part of a 31 Day Marriage Challenge collaboration, co-hosted by Melissa Ann of The Eyes of a Boy and Carrie of Huppie Mama. Follow along with the challenge for many more inspiring articles on how to create or enhance an awesome marriage.

Product Review: Dyson Animal D65 Vacuum

This review is longer than usual in order to cover all the aspects you consider when buying a vacuum.Especially a high-end one.

Rating Out of 10

Overall: 9

Features: 9

Suction: 9

Ease-of-use overall: 9

Tools: 9

Value: 8

Ease-of-use on carpet/stairs: 9

On hard floors/furniture: 8.5

Debris container, emptying and capacity: 9

It begins

For the past four years, we've had a Hoover pet vacuum. I hated it from the start. It was too heavy and unwieldy, made horrid creaking noises, and I couldn't use it without wanting to throw it out the window. A liked it so I told him if we kept it, he had to be the one to use it. We were both working outside the home and splitting chores so it wasn't a problem at the time.

Breaking up with Hoover

The problem came when we had M2 and I became a stay-at-home mom. More of the chores were on me. The house really needed more than the once-a-week vacuum we'd done previously with people home more and a kid in the mix. The stupid Hoover had me swearing and cursing it out every time I used it. It also beat up our woodwork any time it got anywhere near the edge. Recently, the stupid thing didn't really even clean the carpets any more. My allergies were going nuts.

The new vacuum hunt

I finally had enough of that crap. And so the hunt began. The prey: A vacuum that didn't leave me feeling like I'd lugged around a baby elephant and angry as tiger with a stubbed toe every time I used it. Importantly, it had to actually CLEAN. Even spending more money to achieve this was worth it if those requirements were met.

 Dyson vs. Shark

 I looked at the Dyson and Shark brands online and in store. Both were household-name brands. Both came highly recommended by friends and family. I tested out the Shark in a store and it seemed to be more cheaply made and not as easy to use. Just taking off the hose had the thing crashing to the ground and it wasn't easy to move.

Dyson's animal magnetism

Enter the Dyson Animal D65. With three cats, something for pets is important. It comes with a handy turbine tool, which is basically a mini vacuum, to help get cat fur up. It's also handy for getting to hard-to-reach places. That was a major selling point.

Manoeuvrability

Hose fitted into handle

This thing is very easy to move around the house. The ball is pure genius. It swivels and turns with little effort on carpet. It does take a bit more effort on hard floors with the brush turned off, but is still better than a traditional machine. The cord is long. I don't have to keep unplugging it and going to another outlet. It takes a few tries to figure out how to get it to stand back up as it's not the norm, but I got used to it fast. I can even go over area rugs without them being sucked up as the vacuum adjusts based on surface height automatically. The rugs also get clean, really clean.

Hose

The hose is long, comes off the vacuum easily, and stretches without the whole thing falling over. Tools snap on and lock into place so they don't pop off during use. When you're done, there's a nifty button to pop them right back off. The solid plastic part of the hose, that connects to the tools, slides right into the handle of the vacuum. As soon as you have the vacuum in the up-right position, the hose turns on. The suction is just as good with the hose as when used upright. There's no need to push buttons or move bits around. The hose is rather stiff and not all the tools have a spot on the vacuum. Neither is a deal breaker for me.

Soft dusting brush tool

Turbine tool

Tools

In addition to the turbine tool, there is a crevice tool that has a pull-out part to add a soft brush and a soft dusting brush. The crevice tool is pretty standard, the pull-out brush is just ok. The dusting brush is great. It's better that a regular duster on certain surface. I use it on flat surfaces, like tables and woodwork, and fans. It won't work on knick knacks, but I didn't expect it to. You can buy a stiff bristle brush and other tools separately. I'm not interested in any but that brush. I just don't think they're needed, it works well without them. The brush I'm going to buy to help get out the junk M2 grinds into the carpet and furniture. Doing stairs is also easy with this machine. We use the turbine tool for that.

Other features

Power and brush buttons are found in a convenient spot together on the front. One annoying thing is that the cord doesn't retract. As A commented, with something this expensive you'd expect that feature. Yet, there's really no way for that to happen as it's compact. Being compact allows it to be lighter (I lift it no problem at all) and to fit into smaller spaces for storage.

Capacity

Despite being compact, it holds a ton of dirt and debris. It also sucks. Really sucks. The good kind of vacuum suck. I can go a few days without vacuuming and not have my allergies act up because there's not a layer of dirt that didn't come up sitting below the new dirt. To empty the bin, you just hit the button at the top of the canister, shake it into the trash, pop it back closed and stick it back on the vacuum. No screwing around or touching it and getting your hands dirty.

Spare Parts
While I haven't had to do it myself, you can order parts for the vacuum and replace them yourself should something wear out or break. I have had family members do that with their 10-year-old machines. It was an added bonus for me as usually when something breaks, the vacuum is junk. Either you can't get the part or can't fix it yourself so it's not worth it. 

Recommendation

We've had the Dyson Animal D65 a few weeks now and I love it. It works great and is easy to use. Yes, it's pricey but it's worth it. I fully recommend it to anyone looking for a good vacuum. We'll see how it holds up over time. As many family members have had one for years, I've got lots of hope on that.


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Looking Ahead to 2015

A new year means new plans. New goals. New hopes. New dreams. So much new comes when the clock ticks over to midnight January 1. For me, I have a number of these for the blog, my family and myself this year.

M2 is finally old enough to start  doing more crafts. I've got a number of ideas in my head and on Pinterest I'm excited to do with her this year. Even before she was born, I was thinking of all the fun things I could do with her.

Usually, I do baking and cooking for the holidays. None of that happened last year with pregnancy and a new baby. I just wasn't up for it. My KitchenAid mixer and other fun baking gadgets, many that I've never gotten a chance to use, are torturing me with their presence, whispering, "use me! use me!" All the recipes I stock piled, from tried and true to new-and-nifty looking are on the roster for creation and sharing. Some of the baking I'll be having M2 help with. She's already showing an interest in baking.

A previous creation.

I had planned a veggie garden last spring then realized with morning sickness and pregnancy it wasn't the right time. Those plans are back. Having two kids, including a newborn, means the garden will be scaled down. Maintaining a huge one, without having experience, just doesn't seem wise. It'll go in this spring as my first attempt at putting in a garden and at growing veggies.

My budget is getting revamped after tax time to establish where we stand and figure in a fourth family member. Another year of tweaking the budget as we go is on the horizon since we've never had two kids before. Last year it changed over the first few months as we'd never had a house of our own before.

Having two kids is the biggest endeavour of the year. Learning how to raise a boy (I'm used to girls), keeping up with two kids, reaching the toddler stage, making new mom friends, finding friends for the kids, helping M2 with her speech and overall learning, keeping her active and busy, along with joining a local church to give us better roots and meet people are all current and upcoming challenges.

I'm not great at meeting new people as I'm quite shy at first and don't have the best confidence in doing it so joining a church, and joining a new mom-and-baby playgroup are more difficult for me than you'd expect. Even going to library time to meet other moms is hard--I'm not the type who can just walk up to someone and easily start a conversation. Though, oddly, in the professional world I have no problem with it. Go figure. These things are important for finding the kids friends and making my own though, so I'll be doing it.

Weight loss is a big focus of the year. I have 25 pounds of baby weight to lose (I lost about 45 so far). Before getting pregnant, I was working on losing a substational amount. Once the baby weight is off, I'm going to continue on that journey. I'm going to be looking at is as giving up extra weight as that sounds more positive and happy than having a loss.

Focusing on the positive and being more upbeat are both things on which I'm working. I'm a worrier so I tend to see all that can go wrong which can get in the way of things. So does being a perfectionist. I need to focus more on the good, rather than the things that aren't prefect. Because, let's face it, nothing in life is perfect.

The kids' clothes are organized already.

Organization is something I work on bit by bit each year. We've lived in this house for almost two years so it's overhaul time. In preparation for baby B, we cleaned out lots of stuff from the basement. Now, it needs to be organized. I've got a few organization projects on the horizon. The extra food storage already got a good clean out last week. Being able to know what we've got, what we need and that it's all easily at hand is nice. Side note: had I done it sooner, I would have known we had a solid shelf of just pasta. Should the zombie apocalypse come, we'll be eating pasta and canned veggies. Those two things alone will allow us to stay fed for quite some time.

Being a better mom is an important goal for me. I don't think I'm a bad mom, there are just things I'd like to do and be better at. For example, the finding the kids  more friends that I mentioned earlier. Family day trips are something we don't do often enough. I plan to change that. I'd also like to see the ones we do have more often. This is also part of improving myself as a person. Many little things make up these two goals.

A previous zoo trip.

Daily life is a bit rocky right now. Our schedules are still being fleshed out. I had the cooking, cleaning, child care, errands and playtime balanced pretty well previously. Getting back to that will help me be less stressed and be able to fit in some of the other plans I've mentioned. The daily activities are what we spend most of our time doing. It takes up most of our lives so I want it to be enjoyable, stress free and easy rather than hectic, disjointed and craycray. Well, at least as much as possible. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens while we're busy making plans." I want to enjoy that life and those plans.

All of this will find its way onto the blog throughout the year. My goal here is to post more, bring in more traffic and grow as we get into our second year in a few months. The first year has gone great, better than expected in fact. It's important to me to keep that momentum going. You can expect more of the things we usually talk about with new topics thrown in to liven things up. K and I appreciate all our readers and are so happy you join us for our stay-at-home mommy adventures.

Introducing Baby2

Precious baby boy
After months of waiting, Baby2 arrived the end of November. I was induced for medical reasons so didn't have to worry about making the two hour drive to the hospital while in labor. I had really been worried about that.

Labor and delivery went smoother than with M2, lasting 21 hours instead of 41.5 and the epidural worked this time. A was at the hospital with us the whole time, including the two days we were there after. M2 stayed at home with my mom so that she was in her own house with as little change from the norm as possible. Not having mommy and daddy around when you don't understand why is hard enough, let alone if you're not in your usual environment. She was THRILLED when her new brother came home. She even gave him his blog nickname--B. Without further ado, I'd like you to meet baby B.

All about the baby B
We absolutely adore him. From his dark hair and dark grey eyes to the tip of his wee long little toes. Sweet baby B is adorable, laid back, active and already growing so fast. The boys in our family tend to be bigger and grow quickly. B is already around 12 lbs. and is over 22.5 inches long. The doctors and nurses seem surprised with how big his is, until we explain that A and I are the short ones in the family even though both taller than average! B loves his big sister already and M2 is totally in love. Every morning the first thing she does is ask for B. She is always making sure he has a blanket so he doesn't get chilly, get worried if he cries, gives him lots of hugs and kisses, and plays with him on his play mat (his favorite toy). When we go shopping, M2 has to keep checking B to make sure he's ok in the car seat. B sits and stares at her, watching her ever movement. He's already smiling and very alert (when he's awake!). The past month and a half has been crazy settling into new routines and getting used to being a family of four.

Scary Accident
B had an accident at a few weeks old. He was in the hospital for a few days and is still being watched carefully to be sure he has a full recovery. I've been fighting the insurance companies and doctors to get him the care he needs. When the focus should be entirely on B and getting him well, it's beyond frustrating to have to take so much time dealing with things that shouldn't be a problem.

B getting hurt was one of the scariest things to ever happen in my life. I can't begin to explain what it's like to have your baby hurt, not knowing if he'll be all right, rushing him to the ER then having him admitted to a children's hospital where he's hooked up to wires and having a plethora of tests done. He was too little to even be able to tell for sure if he wasn't acting normal. We were still learning what his normal was, plus babies change so fast what is normal one week may not be the next. Thankfully, he is doing okay so far. Family and friends really stepped up to help us when it happened. The hospital B was at was about 2.5 hours away, making it impossible for us to be able to both be there with him without my dad staying with M2. He drove about 7 hours and stayed for a week to take care of M2 and then help with B as well when he was discharged. A friend drove out 2 hours to watch M2 until my dad arrived while we got B on a Medivac helicopter and to the hospital. A's brother and another friend visited us at the hospital to lend support while we where there. Countless others let us know they were there if needed and offered support and advice when asked.

Everything has been very stressful (to say the least) worrying about him and taking care of all the complications on top of the usual changes that come with having a newborn. Not to mention all that comes with the holidays.

Back to normal (?)
Life is slowly starting to settle down a bit (knock on wood, especially as A just started having car trouble  and B has more doctor appointments coming up).  I'm still getting back into the grove of meal planning, taking care of the house, figuring out daily routines and schedules, etc. A's work schedule just changed this week, causing a new round of adjustments.

With all of that and the fact that we're still not getting much sleep around here and have frequent feedings, I won't be back to the blog full time yet. That'll be another month or two.